019

28 juli 2021

Do I step out of the system now? Before any harm is done? Have I already chosen? Should I follow Goethe or Schopenhauer, just working from the inside? Mcafee or Snowden, get out?

It comes down to your wants I believe, your needs for human freedom. Mcafee's last interview sparked some stuff in me I've been screaming in my head during college, but which turned muffled and became cushioned by my interactions with other people.

Fuck. I mean I know full well that at this present moment, I will not be able to make the best decisions. I've always been under the assumption that the team and people around you make all the difference. Sorry for jumping around here, but my mind is racing. I'm pacing through this quite quickly. I shouldn't make decisions out of angst, but damn. No. I want to do things- I mean, christ…

All these things make me think about future governing systems, what a good human being is, should I live for future generations, etc. Is MacAfee just a hurt boomer, living hard and fast? An ideal of the last century? The man was 75 years old…

I am wondering how much longer, given environmental calamities closing in, we will still select for militaristic men to lead our companies. From my uneducated perspective, it seems like companies and government are going hand in hand. I feel I need to learn more about this. For the simple fact that we are all part of this system - I should educate myself on this.

On another note, which I guess ties in a little bit with this, I went to the library yesterday.

Wait, ok- new thought - again this is all about me.

I'm trying to (pause). I look out the window. I think I would like to capture my stream of consciousness as quickly as possible. Gonzo style. I sigh. I notice the washing machine buzzing. My shoulders are tense. I feel a pressing sensation at the space between my shoulders and neck. I am now wondering what this space is called. I'm not sure if this is terribly interesting, I don't really care anymore.

Of course I care - am I making the right decisions? How is anyone supposed to know what they're doing? Who can I trust?

I pause for a long time, take a couple sighs, there are roommates coming and leaving. I have my door open. I still have this stringent feeling in my shoulders. I should work out.

I'm looking at the purple leaves outside my window again, and am thinking about the work I need to do today. The party I'm not really excited about. The fact that I need to take a piss.

Since you're not really answering, I thought I'd just fill the air a bit. Anything you'd like to hear? I mean, I'm open for suggestions. I purchased some poetry by J.C. van Schagen the other day. It's - what's that artform where people aren't classically trained? - anyway, it's kind of simple Dutch Zen-like poetry. It moved me while reading it in the shop, so I took it.

It felt nice to be able to purchase a book, and sit on a terrace after that - but looking back I just see wasted money. I could've purchased a 6-pack at my local shop for the price I drank 1, and the poems I could've found easily online. What am I doing? Why am I doing this shit?

I believe, honestly, that I'm still running away.

Maybe, that's my problem.

I'm sure I could blame hundreds of people for this, but this eventually bottles down to me. My actions. Geist or no Geist, I believe the only thing we can judge ourselves by is through action. Is that Wittgenstein? As you can see, I like to play with fancy names in order for you to think I might know a lot. Truthfully, (and you might have guessed) I don't.

Man man man, I mean, do you do these things too? To impress others? Having books on your shelf to impress others? I might be selling myself short, I do love the concepts the books present to me, but - ok. Let's figure this out. I often, with this too, tend to run away from problems I find in myself, or circle around them.

I like the idea of reading books because:

In practice however, I don't seem to stick with books, because they require time, and maybe I long for short, quick things.

"What you look at, you become" was this one quote I found somewhere.

Logically, I think -

At this point I'm becoming a bit tired of myself still worrying about my problems instead of starting the work I need to do.

This is the thing. Conflicting thoughts always arise. I need the discipline to pull through a set of problems, instead of constantly switching. (Directly a set of instances come to mind where switching is beneficial, but these are meta to grand scale forms of switching, like switching projects after a days work, not micro switching like I often tend to do.)

Ok, so quick side note: I like this, this seems actually beneficial. I'd like to solve problems like this. And how long did this take?

I don't want to be afraid of life. Yet, I have to admit. I am very afraid, judging by my actions. There's been a lot of fear around me. There's a lot of safe choices. I'm not fond of the word weakness, but you could call it that. I'm honestly really wondering if the militaristic attitude has run it's course. Looking at history, mmm maybe not. This might take like, 5 generations.

So, I often hid, ran or whatever when things got tough. What can I do, when I'm in confrontation? These are really the things that underlie everything. I'd like to glance over Epictetus again, but I have to answer this myself now.

I mean, having a set of core values is a good start - what does this mean exactly: Simply having boundaries. There must be some situations where I will not go. But how do I determine where these lie?

I'm currently interested in Siddhartha's life. He stepped down from his kingdom and practically went through every lifestyle imaginable. Is that the ideal? My my, so many options!

I'm taking that piss now. Apologies for the vulgarity.

P.M.