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27 juli 2021

I don't want to take therapy. David Lynch said it potentially hurt his creativity.

Not that I think I have too much of that, but on that topic - I wanted to lay out bare some of what I see as my own weaknesses to you. I hope you'd do the same. If we tear each other down now, we'll grow into even greater heights together. I might add to this list later, so please, this list will not be exhaustive - but will be put together as I currently see it.

My weaknesses (in no particular order). I reach for my bowl and take a spoonful of yoghurt first. Ok, here goes. My weaknesses:

• I don't have "passion" or "drive". It is my view that I don't possess this magical essence which propells great writers and artists. Perhaps the muses are just busy with the 1%. I've come to realize that this entire notion might be bogus, but it is nonetheless rooted very deeply in me. I have some people in my peer group who just seem to go on, and on, and on. Steady at the bench, almost always. When asking a friend about this, he proclaimed that he found himself lazy from his view. What the hell am I then? I know I only see part of the story, but he has a full-time job. I just sit around.
• I wait for things to happen, and react to that. I always wait for others to make their move. By nature, I don't think I'm impulsive. I don't blast forward guns blazing. I sit, and wait. There's this Dutch saying: "Een kat uit de boom kijken", it roughly comes down to that.
• I don't do the work. When things get tough, I often don't rise to the challenge. Instead, I try to manoeuvre to a different pond and live there. I seem to dislike direct confrontation with other people. This seems one of those things that top people excell at.
• I believe I overthink things, a lot. All these posts are probably a testimony to that. This traces back to point 2.

Perhaps most of these come down to me not having faith in my self. I want to be able to terraform my life in different ways. Don't you? It seems like a damn superpower from where I'm standing.

I feel like I need to get my underlying principles straight before I can continue being an agent in this world. Yet the world asks me to act right now. Perhaps I can say no. I actually think I have been saying no for the past seven months.

I've been wondering about relations and love - with my work I mean. It honestly seems like I'm just trying to find every possible way to not actually make music, but to constantly dance around it. How strange.

Bukowski was talking about how suffering for your art is nothing if you don't have talent. Is that what I've been doing? Trying to manifest an image, which just doesn't want to gel with my being? I mean, the more I think about this - like, if idealism turned out to really be just a fucking fad - and Marx was right, man man man, I'll look like a fool.

I'll let you know if I find more points to whine about. Thank you for sticking through. I look forward to your story.

Yours,

The Plant Man.